Victim No More

Introspection is necessary for anyone wanting to become better versions of themselves. I’ve been doing it for so long that I never questioned my methods. I thought it was enough to introspect on a daily basis. What I didn’t realize was how badly I needed to rethink my process. For so long, I stood at the same exact spot I’ve been standing on when I examined my everyday life. Little did I know there were so many blind spots from that vantage point.

Only last week did I consider moving around. I did it just in time, too. The moment I started walking around as I dissected the recent events in my life, I discovered things about myself I would never have known otherwise, much less owned up to.

In my previous posts, I kept saying I was victimized. I was targeted. I was unfairly treated. But, as I took more time thinking things through, I started to notice some recurring patterns in my life all the way back to when I was very young. As soon as I realized that this was a recurring theme, I immediately understood what was going on and what I needed to change.

I needed to change my mindset. I am a victim no more.

For the longest time, I kept whining about how I was hurt, neglected, humiliated, and wronged. I know I had every right to feel the way I did. I had every right to complain. However, I failed to see the pattern. And because I did, I failed to act accordingly. I wallowed in sadness and desperation hoping against hope that my situation will get better soon. I never realized that unless I changed something in myself, I will always get the same results.

Last week was when I started to gain a bit more clarity about my limiting beliefs. I imprisoned myself in this idea that the unfortunate circumstances I almost always found myself in were everyone else’s fault. That I was simply a victim of circumstance. That I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I made myself believe that my situation will change as soon as everyone else realizes how they’ve wronged me and starts treating me better. 

Pathetic? Yes.

Hopeless? No.

I felt liberated the moment I saw the pattern. That was when so many things started to make sense and I started connecting dots. I still am. I’m still at a place where I’m trying to come to terms with past events, behaviors and beliefs. As I revisit old memories, I can’t help but wonder how I could’ve allowed things to happen the way they did. I could’ve done things differently, but then again, how could I have known any better? I cannot change the past. I might as well focus on the future. 

What is most important right now is how this discovery changes my decisions and actions moving forward. It simply cannot be unseen or ignored. I must act on it which means having to rewire my brain and unlearn what needs to be unlearned. I have to take it slow, though. It’s dizzying enough as it is. I’ll take things one small step at a time.

For starters, I think I’ll start with the voices in my head.

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Why Am I Afraid of Getting Rich?

I came upon a realization as I was rediscovering emotional freedom technique (EFT). I somehow stumbled upon the top two reasons why I sabotage my own financial success. I realized that I was afraid of getting rich, and surprisingly, it’s not because I don’t believe I deserve it.

Here’s what I realized:

  1. I am afraid that people will flock to me to borrow money.

People have borrowed money from me time and again, and I never thought twice about helping them. I thought I had nothing but the best intentions. However, as I’m afforded more time to introspect, I realize that I lent money for the wrong reasons. I did it because it made me feel important and useful. It felt like a validation of my worth. To a certain extent, it made me feel respected and powerful.

I would probably have kept doing it had it not been for the financial trouble I no sooner found myself in. More money was being spent and lent than was made, and before I knew it, I started to dig into what little savings I had. And when I’ve exhausted all of my savings, I started to accumulate credit card debt. However, instead of changing my lifestyle or insisting on being paid back the money I was owed, I decided to start a couple of businesses with the intent of augmenting my current income. Neither was successful. Not surprisingly, I’ve managed to end up with even more debt than I started with.

2. I do not want to enable narcissism even further.

I only recently realized I had this fear after reading posts from this site, Freedom from Narcissists and Psychopaths. I can only imagine the most useless things my husband will spend the extra cash on just to make himself feel superior over his peers. I do not know how best to address this, and I suspect that this is the bigger block of the two. The thing is, without fail, whenever he gets to have a peek at my bank account and sees some extra cash in there, he always asks for useless things which he passes off as needs rather than wants. And I, ever the pleaser and enabler always oblige because once again, it made me feel useful and important. We’re both caught in this vicious cycle of addressing our unmet needs: him, by accumulating material things, and I, by buying him those things. The sad reality is, this is a bottomless pit. Nothing ever gets satisfied. No one ever wins.

Now that I know more about my limiting beliefs, what then do I do?

I don’t know. I’ll figure it out soon.

One thing’s for sure. My head is reeling and I need some sleep.

More Blessings

This hit home for me in reference to my post “Both a Witness and a Victim”: “We’re likely to find that our bullshit meter has become more sensitive, for instance, and we’re likely to be surprised at how easily and Emotionlessly we watch ourself reject being conned.” Exactly what I went through last week. I intend to keep myself attuned to this profound discovery so I can “victim-proof” myself from here on out. It may ultimately prove to be easier said than done, but, like they say, practice makes perfect.

jbuss Astrology

Reminder about format: bold italic is for Everyman and Everywoman to read, while…

Indented plain text is for anyone who wants to know the astrology behind what we’re saying, or who wants to Learn it.  If you read these sections without worrying about how much you do or don’t understand, after a while you’ll notice that you begin to see how it works.

We don’t do this in the current post, but if we were defining some astrological term or how some arcane astroprocess works, we’d double-indent and use italics.

  β    β    β    β    β  

We start September with an additional Grand Trine (Dumb-Luck Grace) – Vesta (Beliefs), Pallas (Boundaries), and Venus-Mars (Self-Love) that forms a Kite focused on the Centaur Asbolus (Intuition).  It holds for a day or so.  There’s a gap of a…

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Ego Rebirth

Reblogging jbuss Astrology’s post featuring a couple of my entries. I am thankful for the connection and validation of my journey. It was a huge surprise seeing my words quoted on someone else’s post. At first, I thought it was just a very uncanny coincidence until I saw the link to my page. Enjoy reading the insights from jbuss Astrology like I do.

jbuss Astrology

DresdenDresden, after “The Allies” firebombed it.  The statue evidently survived.

I got up this morning after a long Meditation sending Loving Kindness into and Tapping on my usual-but-always-different motley collection of Pains, Fears, and Anxieties, and, stepping into the shower, had to stop and think about which way to turn the knob to get the water a little warmer.  A small moment, but what a Window.

Of course I should be on my knees in Gratitude for hot running Water – what a Blessing that so few Hupers in history have been able to Enjoy, and so few even today!  I settled for a lesser expression of Gratitude.  We’ll come back to that “should” in a few minutes.

Right, a “senior moment” as they say.  But not – it was a tiny Rebirth!  Resetting the Patterns!  Epigenetics in Action.  I’ve found Epigenetics to be a little hard to wrap my…

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The Long-Awaited Epiphany

Over the weekend, as I was lying in bed, tears started flowing down my cheeks. Surprisingly, they weren’t of sadness. They were of gratitude.

I was just reading the messages sent to me by people who heard about my situation and I found myself reading them over and over again. They made me feel better. Their words gave me strength. And that was when I started to wonder about those who didn’t have friends like I did. Those who’ve been isolated from the people who would have had the capacity to make them feel whole again.

That’s when it hit me. I have to make myself available to the victims of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) abuse. Somebody has to tell them they’re not crazy. Somebody has to listen to their story and assure them that there’s still hope.

Can I possibly have stumbled upon my life purpose?

I don’t think it was ever an accident that these people with NPD keep showing up in my life. And I don’t think that the most recent turn of events that I talked about in my preceding blog was an accident either. It’s like the punctuation that ends the last sentence to that chapter in my life. It’s time to write a new chapter.

But…how do I start?

The most logical path I can think of is to become a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been reading up on how to become a clinical psychologist. It’ll take me another 8 years, I think, to get a Ph.D. I’m seriously considering it now. It doesn’t matter if I’ll be in my mid 40’s by then. If God grants me a long life, I should still have a good 3 decades to help people out.

In the meantime, I’ll make myself available online. I may not be a licensed practitioner just yet, but I can guarantee more than 10,000 hours’ worth of experience being around narcissists. So, if you suspect that you’re a victim of NPD abuse and need a virtual friend to talk to, email me at amusingmusingsandwhatnot@gmail.com. Again, be fully aware that I am no licensed practitioner. I’m just here to lend an ear.

Talk to you soon.

Both a Witness and a Victim

A few blogs ago, I talked about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and about how I’m surrounded by people afflicted with it. I have recently become a target of one person with the worst case of NPD (in my opinion) among all with whom I’ve had the “pleasure” of working.

Why do they see me as an attractive target? Like moths to a flame, they come at me in droves. The only problem is I’m the one who gets burned in the end.

The recent turn of events has had me mauled all over again by the classic NPD antics of this one person who I suspect is an actual pathological case. Everyone else is his narcissistic supply. While this person hurled atrocious accusations based on his twisted interpretation of my actions, I just sat there in awe of how a mentally ill mind works. While he spoke, all I saw were the symptoms of the mental illness. All I heard was the disease talking and not the actual person. It was like an out-of-body experience; like watching a movie rather than being in it myself. I found myself witnessing the disease from the front row.

I saw this weak, broken, insecure, and unloved soul buried underneath many layers of false personalities. All I felt was pity for him. I simply can’t get angry at someone who is in urgent need of psychiatric intervention.

I do worry about myself though. He’s done so much damage to my reputation at work. I find respite from the reassuring and loving messages sent by friends that I should look past all these and not allow other people’s opinion of me to define who I am.

To some, I might appear like I’m giving up. That I am weak. That I am taking the easy way out. But, for me, I am taking the best route which I think would benefit everyone. By removing myself from the situation, I no longer instigate hostility from this person. Hopefully, this will be a fresh start for all. A clean slate so to speak. I am sure he’ll continue to blame me for months to come, but at least for new blunders, he’ll have to be more creative in coming up with excuses. I can only hope he doesn’t find a new victim. But, if he does, I hope this person will be able to handle things better than I did.

Standing at the Crossroads of Should and Must

Have you read “The Crossroads of Should and Must” by Elle Luna? You should. Or should I say, you must! If you have, then you know where this is going.

The book says there are two paths available to us: should and must. Should is doing what society considers acceptable while Must is doing exactly what our true self dictates. I can’t get over the fact that this is exactly where I am right now. At the crossroads. And I’ve been standing here for what seems like forever.

You might ask, “Why is it taking you this long to choose?”  I don’t have to think long and hard to give you the answer. It’s because I have no idea what my calling is. There are a number of things I am interested in, but I have nothing definite as of yet.

What I do know is what I want to happen as a result of having found my Must.

  1. Financial Freedom. I wish to be free to live my life, not ostentatiously, but in the way that I think it was meant to be lived. Free from worries, debts, and limitations. I would like to have just enough to live a healthy, secure, and fulfilling life that blesses others with its existence.
  2. Happiness. The kind that’s organic. The kind that’s contagious. The kind that people notice as the glow on my face or the change in my gait.
  3. A Sense of Purpose and Direction. I want to wake up without having to ask myself why I have to work. Or why I chose such work. I want to wake up knowing exactly what my mission is.

I thought I’d have a longer list. But, as it turns out, there isn’t much that I want in life. Just to feel a sense of fulfillment living a life that benefits not just myself but also the people around me.

So here I am now, just staring at my list and this blinking cursor, not knowing if I’m making any sense or not. Should I post this? Must I post this?

A lot of things can still happen between now and the day I quit. I might choose to hold on to my job while I continue to work on discovering my Must or I might choose to go right ahead and take a leap of faith like I originally planned. I don’t know. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’ll read this book a thousand times over until this fog in my head clears.