The Long-Awaited Epiphany

Over the weekend, as I was lying in bed, tears started flowing down my cheeks. Surprisingly, they weren’t of sadness. They were of gratitude.

I was just reading the messages sent to me by people who heard about my situation and I found myself reading them over and over again. They made me feel better. Their words gave me strength. And that was when I started to wonder about those who didn’t have friends like I did. Those who’ve been isolated from the people who would have had the capacity to make them feel whole again.

That’s when it hit me. I have to make myself available to the victims of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) abuse. Somebody has to tell them they’re not crazy. Somebody has to listen to their story and assure them that there’s still hope.

Can I possibly have stumbled upon my life purpose?

I don’t think it was ever an accident that these people with NPD keep showing up in my life. And I don’t think that the most recent turn of events that I talked about in my preceding blog was an accident either. It’s like the punctuation that ends the last sentence to that chapter in my life. It’s time to write a new chapter.

But…how do I start?

The most logical path I can think of is to become a licensed psychotherapist. I’ve been reading up on how to become a clinical psychologist. It’ll take me another 8 years, I think, to get a Ph.D. I’m seriously considering it now. It doesn’t matter if I’ll be in my mid 40’s by then. If God grants me a long life, I should still have a good 3 decades to help people out.

In the meantime, I’ll make myself available online. I may not be a licensed practitioner just yet, but I can guarantee more than 10,000 hours’ worth of experience being around narcissists. So, if you suspect that you’re a victim of NPD abuse and need a virtual friend to talk to, email me at amusingmusingsandwhatnot@gmail.com. Again, be fully aware that I am no licensed practitioner. I’m just here to lend an ear.

Talk to you soon.

Standing at the Crossroads of Should and Must

Have you read “The Crossroads of Should and Must” by Elle Luna? You should. Or should I say, you must! If you have, then you know where this is going.

The book says there are two paths available to us: should and must. Should is doing what society considers acceptable while Must is doing exactly what our true self dictates. I can’t get over the fact that this is exactly where I am right now. At the crossroads. And I’ve been standing here for what seems like forever.

You might ask, “Why is it taking you this long to choose?”  I don’t have to think long and hard to give you the answer. It’s because I have no idea what my calling is. There are a number of things I am interested in, but I have nothing definite as of yet.

What I do know is what I want to happen as a result of having found my Must.

1. Financial Freedom. I wish to be free to live my life, not ostentatiously, but in the way that I think it was meant to be lived. Free from worries, debts, and limitations. I would like to have just enough to live a healthy, secure, and fulfilling life that blesses others with its existence.
2. Happiness. The kind that’s organic. The kind that’s contagious. The kind that people notice as the glow on my face or the change in my gait.
3. A Sense of Purpose and Direction. I want to wake up without having to ask myself why I have to work. Or why I chose such work. I want to wake up knowing exactly what my mission is.

I thought I’d have a longer list. But, as it turns out, there isn’t much that I want in life. Just to feel a sense of fulfillment living a life that benefits not just myself but also the people around me.

So here I am now, just staring at my list and this blinking cursor, not knowing if I’m making any sense or not. Should I post this? Must I post this?

A lot of things can still happen between now and the day I quit. I might choose to hold on to my job while I continue to work on discovering my Must or I might choose to go right ahead and take a leap of faith like I originally planned. I don’t know. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’ll read this book a thousand times over until this fog in my head clears.

The Waiting Room

I have been ushered into an empty room and told to sit and wait. And I obediently do as told without any idea for how long, for what, or for whom. And in that room I still am.

It’s frustrating, to say the least. I keep asking myself whether I made a wrong turn somewhere back there. Am I being punished for a mistake I’ve done in the past? Is this a consequence of a bad decision I made? Should I have chosen a different school, degree, career, or perhaps, a different zip code?

Right now I do not have the answers, but I do know that I want to be genuinely happy. The kind where I wake up smiling for no apparent reason. The kind where I don’t have to keep a list of the things I should be grateful for just to feel light. Synthetic happiness is better than none at all, but wouldn’t it be better if it were organic and unforced?

I’m still in the waiting room, and the uncertainty is starting to take a toll on me. All that I have to keep me sane is the idea that we’re all destined to reach a relative level of greatness fulfilling our calling, purpose, or dharma. That we will all soon become useful, contributing individuals to society. But until that happens to me, and I’m sure that will be one great moment, I’ll continue to bide my time counting the cracks on the wall.