Both a Witness and a Victim

A few blogs ago, I talked about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and about how I’m surrounded by people afflicted with it. I have recently become a target of one person with the worst case of NPD (in my opinion) among all with whom I’ve had the “pleasure” of working.

Why do they see me as an attractive target? Like moths to a flame, they come at me in droves. The only problem is I’m the one who gets burned in the end.

The recent turn of events has had me mauled all over again by the classic NPD antics of this one person who I suspect is an actual pathological case. Everyone else is his narcissistic supply. While this person hurled atrocious accusations based on his twisted interpretation of my actions, I just sat there in awe of how a mentally ill mind works. While he spoke, all I saw were the symptoms of the mental illness. All I heard was the disease talking and not the actual person. It was like an out-of-body experience; like watching a movie rather than being in it myself. I found myself witnessing the disease from the front row.

I saw this weak, broken, insecure, and unloved soul buried underneath many layers of false personalities. All I felt was pity for him. I simply can’t get angry at someone who is in urgent need of psychiatric intervention.

I do worry about myself though. He’s done so much damage to my reputation at work. I find respite from the reassuring and loving messages sent by friends that I should look past all these and not allow other people’s opinion of me to define who I am.

To some, I might appear like I’m giving up. That I am weak. That I am taking the easy way out. But, for me, I am taking the best route which I think would benefit everyone. By removing myself from the situation, I no longer instigate hostility from this person. Hopefully, this will be a fresh start for all. A clean slate so to speak. I am sure he’ll continue to blame me for months to come, but at least for new blunders, he’ll have to be more creative in coming up with excuses. I can only hope he doesn’t find a new victim. But, if he does, I hope this person will be able to handle things better than I did.

Standing at the Crossroads of Should and Must

Have you read “The Crossroads of Should and Must” by Elle Luna? You should. Or should I say, you must! If you have, then you know where this is going.

The book says there are two paths available to us: should and must. Should is doing what society considers acceptable while Must is doing exactly what our true self dictates. I can’t get over the fact that this is exactly where I am right now. At the crossroads. And I’ve been standing here for what seems like forever.

You might ask, “Why is it taking you this long to choose?”  I don’t have to think long and hard to give you the answer. It’s because I have no idea what my calling is. There are a number of things I am interested in, but I have nothing definite as of yet.

What I do know is what I want to happen as a result of having found my Must.

1. Financial Freedom. I wish to be free to live my life, not ostentatiously, but in the way that I think it was meant to be lived. Free from worries, debts, and limitations. I would like to have just enough to live a healthy, secure, and fulfilling life that blesses others with its existence.
2. Happiness. The kind that’s organic. The kind that’s contagious. The kind that people notice as the glow on my face or the change in my gait.
3. A Sense of Purpose and Direction. I want to wake up without having to ask myself why I have to work. Or why I chose such work. I want to wake up knowing exactly what my mission is.

I thought I’d have a longer list. But, as it turns out, there isn’t much that I want in life. Just to feel a sense of fulfillment living a life that benefits not just myself but also the people around me.

So here I am now, just staring at my list and this blinking cursor, not knowing if I’m making any sense or not. Should I post this? Must I post this?

A lot of things can still happen between now and the day I quit. I might choose to hold on to my job while I continue to work on discovering my Must or I might choose to go right ahead and take a leap of faith like I originally planned. I don’t know. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’ll read this book a thousand times over until this fog in my head clears.

The Morning Pages

I’ve always considered writing journals a cathartic release, especially during trying times. I started in grade school writing down my thoughts mostly on crushes, homework, teachers, and other mundane things a typical grade-schooler experiences.

As an adult, though, I find it even more necessary that I keep a journal. I usually jot down handwritten entries in a random notebook or two, or save some entries on my laptop using a word processor. I even downloaded a journal app on my phone. The downside though is that these methods make me feel quite disorganized and with the phone app, I have to use the keypad which makes it utterly frustrating especially when I’ve got a thousand thoughts flowing, but my thumbs just can’t keep up.

Just recently, I came across a website called 750words.com which was inspired by the morning pages ritual from the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. When I learned that the site kept all entries private and even offered metadata analytics, I immediately signed up for it.

Screenshot taken from 750words.com metadata stats

The idea is pretty simple. Get rid of all the white noise in your head by writing them all down first thing when you wake up. Like a pensieve if you must. (Sorry about all the Harry Potter references here and in the rest of my blog entries. I can’t help myself.) Theoretically, this then frees up your mind to give way to more creative thought processes. My initial intention for signing up was to keep a journal, but after having tried it for a few days, I noticed how the exercise seemed to afford me more clarity and perspective. As soon as I got rid of all the fluff in my mind, I felt lighter and more focused. On the site, I get to write down all thoughts that come to mind without any regard for grammar, punctuation, spelling, or even logic. I just type away without any fear of being judged.

So, perhaps, when you find yourself in a rut, whether it be a writer’s block or just good old decision-making anxiety, you’ll find this tool useful. I think there are other similar sites out there and you’d probably find it worth your while to explore. It doesn’t matter where you do it, the important thing is that you give it a try and see if it indeed helps you one way or another.

The Waiting Room

I have been ushered into an empty room and told to sit and wait. And I obediently do as told without any idea for how long, for what, or for whom. And in that room I still am.

It’s frustrating, to say the least. I keep asking myself whether I made a wrong turn somewhere back there. Am I being punished for a mistake I’ve done in the past? Is this a consequence of a bad decision I made? Should I have chosen a different school, degree, career, or perhaps, a different zip code?

Right now I do not have the answers, but I do know that I want to be genuinely happy. The kind where I wake up smiling for no apparent reason. The kind where I don’t have to keep a list of the things I should be grateful for just to feel light. Synthetic happiness is better than none at all, but wouldn’t it be better if it were organic and unforced?

I’m still in the waiting room, and the uncertainty is starting to take a toll on me. All that I have to keep me sane is the idea that we’re all destined to reach a relative level of greatness fulfilling our calling, purpose, or dharma. That we will all soon become useful, contributing individuals to society. But until that happens to me, and I’m sure that will be one great moment, I’ll continue to bide my time counting the cracks on the wall.

Facing Uncertainty And Narcissism

I have just handed in my resignation notice. In a few weeks, I will be unemployed.

Why did I do it? Because I have decided that, once and for all, I must look after my own mental and spiritual health. I have decided that I will no longer subject myself to highly insensitive and highly narcissistic characters. It affects me more than I care to admit. And no one else seems to be as or more affected than I am.

I have only recently learned about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). There was a fleeting moment when, upon learning of this mental illness, I felt emancipated from all of the guilt I harbored for how seemingly messed up my life has become, and how I ended up here with nothing left save for my scarred soul. But that moment was quickly replaced with anxiety and uncertainty.

Based on what I read about the subject, I came to the horrific realization that I wasn’t just dealing with one or two narcissists. I was surrounded by more than a dozen of them in my life. Oh, joy. No wonder I’m all messed up.

I see them everywhere and interact with them every day. At home, in the office, and in my community. Arguably, most of them may be classified as just borderline NPDs which, in small doses, can be tolerated without much effort. But when you find yourself having to put up with them incessantly over a considerable period of time, that’s when the fun truly begins.

Every single day I am forced to navigate through some sort of psychological minefield of mind-numbing, self-centered conversations, childish competition, and backstabbing plots worthy of soap opera storylines. I find it fascinating how narcissists can casually turn even the most mundane of topics into an opportunity to talk about themselves and how great they are. Without even the slightest provocation, they shamelessly talk about their self-proclaimed accomplishments, accolades, and praises they got from their imaginary fan base. Some of them take a different route and try to win people’s trust by throwing in a sob story or two. Suffice it to say, the unrelenting mind games are more than I can bear. No wonder I feel drained. No wonder I could not feel any kind of fulfillment. No wonder I feel isolated, lonely and in despair. It’s like working with dementors. Is Ollivander still around? I need a wand.

What I find unfair and confusing is why I seem to be the only one suffering. The irony here is that, no matter how much I kick and scream, they’d just look at me all confused wondering how I can even begin to think that they’re flawed being the majestic creatures that they are.

And so here I am. This is how I ended up here. I dare to dream a new life for myself but have no inkling whatsoever of what it looks like or how to get there. I am at a crossroads where I know I can no longer subject myself to such superficial relationships but have no idea which road to take to get me to where I will be happier.

I need to discover my life’s purpose, my calling, my tribe and my happy place. I need to do it fast.